Catharsis Over Heree.

It's really time to shift gears and put forth the effort to get to the top. I won't stay at the bottom anymore, envying others. Instead, it's time for them to envy me.

...that in many ways I could be so much more than I am right now. There is potential in me, waiting to be awakened, but my habits, my ways, my failures, all seem to be the obstacles that are in my way. Have I lived up to what I stand for, the things I want? It's so pathetic the things I do. But, what really gives a real twist in my knockers is the fact that it keeps on going. This cycle of brief minor joys followed by a mundane lecture. In my mind, I'm ready to get out of this cycle. But as I try to prepare for it, I realize how far behind I am and how much I need to gain? I regret many that I have done. Sometimes I just feel trapped.

BORED AT 11

When will it be enough for me to do what is necessary?
I do my homework and finish projects but yet they all are completed to the bare minimum. Will I ever go above and beyond to do things? Or will I sit here disappointed at myself and live life day to day? I keep telling myself I will focus and I'm gonna do this and that but at the end nothing's done. One day I'm ready to take on the world; the next, I'm back at square one. Where's my drive, the intensity?
I think my life needs to be refocused but I keep falling behind. Staying late at night to make up what I could've done right. Everything that I have done this year could've been better, could've been great, but it hasn't.
Everyday, I come home tired exhausted from wrestling. But why should I quit it. It brings me actualy joy in my life whenever I go there. Everytime I wrestle I get out with a smile and laugh on my face. Something inside just feels better after a good practice. So why should I give up things that bring me joy.
It really is a disappoint to see myself and reflect on this every single hour,day,week, and month. To see that I have not bettered myself when I said I would. Maybe this just isn't for me.
Originally, this post was titled "To what extent?" but now I renamed it.
I think it's much more appropriate.

So today, I went to a volunteer meeting for my hospice program that I'm in. I think the people there are just so "real" in there problems and feelings. My coordinator, Lesleigh is so fantastic she really cares for me and I think that she's is such a great person. She always welcomes me with a smile, hug, and a "how have you been, spence?" They are such simple things in life and they just make me feel as if I'm so cared for by someone. She calls to make sure that George and I are doing fine and to check if anything is wrong. And I'm only a volunteer! Such warmth and compassion really makes me feel good about what I do. Patricia, who I had a pleasure of meeting today, is also a volunteer like me. She has such a story to tell. Her patients she met have passed away. It really strikes a chord to see how she has been affected by the program. I can try to retell the story but it will lack the emotions and feelings of the teller and that deprives the importance behind it.
The volunteers who went to this meeting have often suffered a loss or have felt the kindness from the program and decided to join the volunteer force to give back. In my head I'm thinking, "Wow, these people are so unselfish and these people are so giving and have so much care to help others. There really are great people in the world."
When I told my story about how I came to be a volunteer, I said, "Sometimes I have my bad days and go in the facility with a bad mood on my mind, but after just sitting and talking to George and leaving the place I come out with a smile onmy heart and then my day becomes so much better. This work that I do is just something that I gives back to me." And this was the truth, nothing more and nothing less. Lesleigh thanks me for having such compassion to selflessly helping others at my young age.
When I went to the supermarket after my parents dropped off my sister to work, I helped this old lady get coffee boxes from the topshelf. She thanked me. Greatest feeling in the world.
Why do I still feel like I lack candor?
Sometimes I think I'm such a fake person who smiles without the happy, laughs without the joy, and tells without the meaning; made of plastic. I've built this wall in front of me to ever truly confront and speak my mind. And when I do I shy away.

So, I asked my parents if I could go to the mall and watch some movies with Sean and like every other time it's a no. I feel so horrible that i can never go out with her. I think she is kind of hating it whenever this happens and I don't blame her. It's been such a frustrating school year. My grades are bad and because of them I can't go out. Sometimes I just get the feeling of being so helpless. My personality is doing things by myself and independence but my life is controlled by my parents and the things that need to be done have to get approved by them.
A lot of times when I need for them to do something for me or need to ask them something I'm scared to do it. Then, when I do ask them to help me and it becomes an urgency I get yelled at for not telling them earlier. Yet, my reason behind it is that I'm so tired and scared of being rejected with a big no all the time it's discouraging.
I've been feeling like a little bitch complaining about all my problems. I know I can extinguish all these problems by raising my grades but it's so tiring. Of course its not excuse but I just don't have the drive anymore to succeed.
Then there's Sean. It's great. But everytime I promise her that I'd do something I have to ask my parents to let me out and it's just a blow to our relationship. It's really disappointing to her probably and the only thing I can do is say "sorry." I mean I really like her but I can't ever get to know her. When we sit next to each other, I don't know what goes on in my head. Nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? It's so weird for me not to say something. I wish I could spend some time with her outside of school, but I can't without the approval of my parents and before I even think about it, it's already a no. There have been many times when I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend and I know that people say how she has a boyfriend, but for her to say that she doesn't while we hold hands, it makes me feel disappointed in myself.It's not her fault but it's mine.
I have such a difficult time expressing how I feel. Mainly, it's just that I never really understood what compassion and love meant and it's so alien to me. Also, I think sometimes I'm just so self-conscious and scared of what people will say. Then my mind hinders the actions I need to take. My thoughts of failure and disappoint just take over.