Catharsis Over Heree.

I just realized I'm not going to wrestle at the varsity tournament this weekend, quite depressing if you ask me. I'm not going because I lost my challange between Michael Sill. Frankly, I was extremely pissed off when I discovered I wasn't going. But now after rediscovering qhat I have been forgetting I think that it's time I took a different persepective on life. I think from now on it's a change in habits. No longer will I break. I will retain my composure and stand in the end still smiling. I promise to myself never to sag my head, to speak with pride, and to always smile.

I really don't know what's going on anymore. Things just go by me.

It's really time to shift gears and put forth the effort to get to the top. I won't stay at the bottom anymore, envying others. Instead, it's time for them to envy me.

...that in many ways I could be so much more than I am right now. There is potential in me, waiting to be awakened, but my habits, my ways, my failures, all seem to be the obstacles that are in my way. Have I lived up to what I stand for, the things I want? It's so pathetic the things I do. But, what really gives a real twist in my knockers is the fact that it keeps on going. This cycle of brief minor joys followed by a mundane lecture. In my mind, I'm ready to get out of this cycle. But as I try to prepare for it, I realize how far behind I am and how much I need to gain? I regret many that I have done. Sometimes I just feel trapped.

BORED AT 11

When will it be enough for me to do what is necessary?
I do my homework and finish projects but yet they all are completed to the bare minimum. Will I ever go above and beyond to do things? Or will I sit here disappointed at myself and live life day to day? I keep telling myself I will focus and I'm gonna do this and that but at the end nothing's done. One day I'm ready to take on the world; the next, I'm back at square one. Where's my drive, the intensity?
I think my life needs to be refocused but I keep falling behind. Staying late at night to make up what I could've done right. Everything that I have done this year could've been better, could've been great, but it hasn't.
Everyday, I come home tired exhausted from wrestling. But why should I quit it. It brings me actualy joy in my life whenever I go there. Everytime I wrestle I get out with a smile and laugh on my face. Something inside just feels better after a good practice. So why should I give up things that bring me joy.
It really is a disappoint to see myself and reflect on this every single hour,day,week, and month. To see that I have not bettered myself when I said I would. Maybe this just isn't for me.
Originally, this post was titled "To what extent?" but now I renamed it.
I think it's much more appropriate.

So today, I went to a volunteer meeting for my hospice program that I'm in. I think the people there are just so "real" in there problems and feelings. My coordinator, Lesleigh is so fantastic she really cares for me and I think that she's is such a great person. She always welcomes me with a smile, hug, and a "how have you been, spence?" They are such simple things in life and they just make me feel as if I'm so cared for by someone. She calls to make sure that George and I are doing fine and to check if anything is wrong. And I'm only a volunteer! Such warmth and compassion really makes me feel good about what I do. Patricia, who I had a pleasure of meeting today, is also a volunteer like me. She has such a story to tell. Her patients she met have passed away. It really strikes a chord to see how she has been affected by the program. I can try to retell the story but it will lack the emotions and feelings of the teller and that deprives the importance behind it.
The volunteers who went to this meeting have often suffered a loss or have felt the kindness from the program and decided to join the volunteer force to give back. In my head I'm thinking, "Wow, these people are so unselfish and these people are so giving and have so much care to help others. There really are great people in the world."
When I told my story about how I came to be a volunteer, I said, "Sometimes I have my bad days and go in the facility with a bad mood on my mind, but after just sitting and talking to George and leaving the place I come out with a smile onmy heart and then my day becomes so much better. This work that I do is just something that I gives back to me." And this was the truth, nothing more and nothing less. Lesleigh thanks me for having such compassion to selflessly helping others at my young age.
When I went to the supermarket after my parents dropped off my sister to work, I helped this old lady get coffee boxes from the topshelf. She thanked me. Greatest feeling in the world.
Why do I still feel like I lack candor?
Sometimes I think I'm such a fake person who smiles without the happy, laughs without the joy, and tells without the meaning; made of plastic. I've built this wall in front of me to ever truly confront and speak my mind. And when I do I shy away.

So, I asked my parents if I could go to the mall and watch some movies with Sean and like every other time it's a no. I feel so horrible that i can never go out with her. I think she is kind of hating it whenever this happens and I don't blame her. It's been such a frustrating school year. My grades are bad and because of them I can't go out. Sometimes I just get the feeling of being so helpless. My personality is doing things by myself and independence but my life is controlled by my parents and the things that need to be done have to get approved by them.
A lot of times when I need for them to do something for me or need to ask them something I'm scared to do it. Then, when I do ask them to help me and it becomes an urgency I get yelled at for not telling them earlier. Yet, my reason behind it is that I'm so tired and scared of being rejected with a big no all the time it's discouraging.
I've been feeling like a little bitch complaining about all my problems. I know I can extinguish all these problems by raising my grades but it's so tiring. Of course its not excuse but I just don't have the drive anymore to succeed.
Then there's Sean. It's great. But everytime I promise her that I'd do something I have to ask my parents to let me out and it's just a blow to our relationship. It's really disappointing to her probably and the only thing I can do is say "sorry." I mean I really like her but I can't ever get to know her. When we sit next to each other, I don't know what goes on in my head. Nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? It's so weird for me not to say something. I wish I could spend some time with her outside of school, but I can't without the approval of my parents and before I even think about it, it's already a no. There have been many times when I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend and I know that people say how she has a boyfriend, but for her to say that she doesn't while we hold hands, it makes me feel disappointed in myself.It's not her fault but it's mine.
I have such a difficult time expressing how I feel. Mainly, it's just that I never really understood what compassion and love meant and it's so alien to me. Also, I think sometimes I'm just so self-conscious and scared of what people will say. Then my mind hinders the actions I need to take. My thoughts of failure and disappoint just take over.

Like every promise I alawys make, it always goes unfulfilled. And it's so fucking stupid that I have to do that. Not only does it make me feel like a fucking failure but also it affects the people I make them to. Fuck it. Stupid parents bitching about driving my ass to school everyday and they chose to move this fucking far. Last time I told them it was their fault for moving they bitch slapped my face and kicked me out the car complaining how I'm so unappreciative of what they give me. It's bot that I'm unappreciative its just that if they're going to buy a house that far away, why do they fucking complain? And now its junior year, my grades are fucked, my future's fucked, and what do I have to show for it? I can't even get a social life and leave this fucking house without a damn fucking debate to persuade my parents that my grades are fine. Instead, they give a rebuttal saying I'm not supposed to have fun during junior year. And you know what I think to that? FUCK YOU MOM AND DAD. You say that I should learn and be independent and all that shit. You say you guys had such a horrible childhood and you grew from it. You say that I'm a loser. You say that I'm worse than everyone else.You say I should learn for myself. And now I'm 16, If I ask you what did you do to positively affect my life, what would you say? Don't answer. I can answer that for you. You say it's such a difficult job driving my sister and I around. You say it's a pain in the ass. You say it's such a pain in the ass to deal with kids. Why the fuck did you give birth you motherfucker. Why the fuck do you complain about being a parent? Go fuck yourselves.

Will I take the next step and take a dive into the or stand and wait for the boat to come?

After some time, a whole seven weeks, I've gone through school not caring at all. I think it's maybe time for me to take things seriously. I know I've been saying for that for a while, but for once I think it really is time. Take everything as if it's just another bitch in my way. Watch Out.

I am so behind on things. Why am I even writing a post...

I got my braces off today and that means I have a smile now. No more awkward turtle. Ha.Ha. It feels awesome to get them off so I won't be embarasses anymore when smiling with braces. Except now I noticed how I need to brush my teeth better so they turn WHITER.
After these two days, I'm getting annoyed by my work ethics and realizing that it's time to step up my game. I can't just go through school junior year bs-ing my way through. Although I have been these first 7 weeks. And so for me to finally get something done it's time to put forth some effort. That means everything.

Homecoming was a lot of fun except that it got really hot and my knees were retarded. But is was great to dance with Sean the whole time. During the pictures however, I felt stupid because I didn't know how to smile. Well, Alex didn't know how to either BUT I STILL HAD MY BRACES. So that was  a major downside to that.
Pretty awesome night, if I could do it over again, I WOULD.

~seepensir


 Sean is the best.

Maybe it's time to begin to apply myself
And so it just may be the introduction of a novella in my life.

How fast it went by and already I'm starting a new month.
I guess a bunch of things happened and sometimes I always get the feeling that I am falling behind. I mean I see friends doing this and that with their extra curriculars and all that junkthat it realy puts me down, but in some way it makes me driven to want to do something and prove to them that I am something better, but then that idea slowly dies away and then I'm back into a cycle.

That epiphany I'm waiting for still hasn't hit me yet, but I hope it will soon, or unless I force myself to have a better understanding and steal.
There's one decision I had made and I think it has shed a little more light in my life, and that choice was to be aggressive and tough in wrestling. I know I have a long way to go to make varsity but it's definitely in my reach and I will push everyone that's in my way, out. Not only am I really frustrated by my lack of determination but also by my span of intensity. Things never last long for me and it's the same for wrestling. I get good when this burst of energy comes, but when I stop, I'm like a sitting duck. But like coach says, "When it hurts, work harder." FML~

                                                                   Let's Find Our Way

~seepensir

So it has been almost a month since my last post and I've been meaning to post but I've just been lazy or busy doing other stuff.

Let's first talk about my summer camp during 8/9-8/15

It was one of the best experiences that I'll have a hard time giving up because it was just so much fun to spend time with my friends. And that's always the sad part about my times when I go camping; the fact that I have to give up those times. I mean everyone gets those unforgettable moments in life and frankly it's too hard to forget.
So let's get on the juicy part of my stay at camp. It was actually a sumer camp for boy scouts so i took some merit badges. I took horsemanship,canoeing, art, wood carving, and rifle shooting.

For the horsemanship merit badge it was pretty enjoying since it was fun to work with horses and such. In the wrangler, they had these mules which were GIGANTIC and I mean reallly big. The class overall was pretty easy just memorizing the saddle, feeding horses, grooming them, and what not. The funny part of when I saddled the horse was when the horse started getting horny from my saddling and Danny was like," Oh shit, look at that horse's dick." When I rode the horse it was pretty hard to control it but when it started trotting it made me bounce so high that I felt as if I were going to fall off. It's always great when I spend time with my friends somewhere new because you laugh at the weird unlaughable things. Like when the horse was pooping, Danny, again, said" That horse's hole was so fucking huge it went phhmffff...."~LOL. Good times over at the Wrangler.

I'll be posting about my experiences at camp slowly as it'll take too much time to read and write.

~seepensir

Today was possibly one of the worst days ever. The only thing I did was sit on the couch the whole day. Now I feel pretty guilty about it but it'll go away when i go to sleep later so not to worried about that. Tomorrow's the big day and I'm off to summer camp!Since my parents are off in Las Vegas doing a business show my neighbor will have the great pleasure of driving me over to the church and dropping me off there. No biggie. Hopefully, I'll get a lot done over there and finish the summer reading books as well.
I'm kind of nervous about the swimming test because I lack proper swimming skills. In 07, when i had done the swimming test, I remember feeling weakness in my legs after the test, kinda embarassing; so maybe I'll think about sticking with my buddy Andy down in the beginnger's section since he can't swim either(lol).

While checking up on the Citrus College webpage I learned that there are 22 Intro to Forestry classes available there. I guess I'll prob be taking that class. Although, I dont want to since it would really mess up my time since there might be some games or tournaments on those days I would take the class. Really sometimes it's a real pain for parents to understand how fucking overloaded I am and how they think its "not that bad." Still I guess it's something I'll deal with later, even when my parents are still scolding me for being so clueless of my possibilities and environmental "awareness."

And so I'll be closing this post by saying that I won't be posting for a week or so.
If anyone sees this tell Chris Wang to do me Citrus Registration for me on Aug 13 8:00 AM

Good Night, seepensir

I can't find what to say but that sometimes I don't really apply myself. I dont' know how i get through life the way I do things. Although it's been working so far, maybe its time for a retrospection. Well, that's that.

It's almost summer camp and it's pretty exciting to be going off and camping. I think it's gonna be great since all of my buddies are going. Total blast. Last time I went to one was back in 2007 at Tahquitz, and it was pretty fun. I still remember making a basket for my friend Alex and it won first place(since our troop was the only one that participated). What really stuck in my mind was the beauty of the stars in the sky at night, I mean it's those kind of things in life that when you see it, it gives you a shiver but not the type that gives you fright, but shivers of awe. I mean it was a real splendor to behold, looking as if it were a wallpaper.

I'm looking forward to this summer camp, but it also means the end of summer; but at least I get to spend it with good people I know.

seepensir

It really hits me now how important the upcoming months are. I mean, school, grades, sports, clubs, and so many other things are so vital to my future. But what I think really discourages me is the fact that my parents have continually drilled my thinking that everyone else is in a much better condition to attend those top colleges. I always try to forget these kind of things and try to push them out of my mind, but I can never stop the feeling of regret when one day I'll look back and think, " I really should've taken those chances and now my life's fucked up" In a way, I guess EVERYONE is going through the same thing as me so why not just jump on the bandwagon for another 2 years. It's pretty late now so PEACEOUT

Apparently, blogging is the shit, so I made one. It's the same as Twitter but more options available. So far, I don't see anything very special that'll make me drool all over it. Hopefully, I'll start getting this thing a daily or every couple times a week and get PEOPLE TO READ IT, otherwise it's gonna be pointless.