Catharsis Over Heree.

So, I asked my parents if I could go to the mall and watch some movies with Sean and like every other time it's a no. I feel so horrible that i can never go out with her. I think she is kind of hating it whenever this happens and I don't blame her. It's been such a frustrating school year. My grades are bad and because of them I can't go out. Sometimes I just get the feeling of being so helpless. My personality is doing things by myself and independence but my life is controlled by my parents and the things that need to be done have to get approved by them.
A lot of times when I need for them to do something for me or need to ask them something I'm scared to do it. Then, when I do ask them to help me and it becomes an urgency I get yelled at for not telling them earlier. Yet, my reason behind it is that I'm so tired and scared of being rejected with a big no all the time it's discouraging.
I've been feeling like a little bitch complaining about all my problems. I know I can extinguish all these problems by raising my grades but it's so tiring. Of course its not excuse but I just don't have the drive anymore to succeed.
Then there's Sean. It's great. But everytime I promise her that I'd do something I have to ask my parents to let me out and it's just a blow to our relationship. It's really disappointing to her probably and the only thing I can do is say "sorry." I mean I really like her but I can't ever get to know her. When we sit next to each other, I don't know what goes on in my head. Nothing comes out of my mouth. Why? It's so weird for me not to say something. I wish I could spend some time with her outside of school, but I can't without the approval of my parents and before I even think about it, it's already a no. There have been many times when I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend and I know that people say how she has a boyfriend, but for her to say that she doesn't while we hold hands, it makes me feel disappointed in myself.It's not her fault but it's mine.
I have such a difficult time expressing how I feel. Mainly, it's just that I never really understood what compassion and love meant and it's so alien to me. Also, I think sometimes I'm just so self-conscious and scared of what people will say. Then my mind hinders the actions I need to take. My thoughts of failure and disappoint just take over.